Poems from July 2023

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Dreams achieved, powerless to pursue them. Potential unlimited, kinetic unreachable. Care what you think, no thought for self-care. Time passing me, me passing up moments time and time again. Genuine laughter, deeply unsatisfied.  Once again I find myself Disturbed by the fact that Cause leads to Effect Leads to past set in Stone. Desire for care-freeness Leads to policing desires Leads to care-fullness Leads to shame.  Hunger for idealism Chasing the illusion Never letting it be What it is. Yet sometimes letting What it is make me happy. Struggling letting Who it is Love me for Who I am.

Talk to me, connect to the mask, I take it off, the connection stays with it. Show you who I am, feel subtle judgment, pain, learn my lesson, never again.  Flashes of sincerity, harmony, testing waters, navigate complexity, eggshells. Genuine growth, healing, perspectives, reconciliation, then grinding to halt. Fear of failure and intelligence, a curse causing deadlock, informed antici… pation. Feel numbed, don’t want to get better, want to want to get better, later. Found friends, found passions, found free time, too exhausted to continue. Too scared to risk losing to risk gaining. Too scared of failing to enjoy trying. I have it all, it all has me trapped. I dare not progress until it all is threatened.	Closing in, falling apart. Seeing the truth, searching the dark. Laughing together, waiting alone. Shedding half a tear, writing half a poem. When will the sadness and joy cycle end? When will I see myself as a friend?I so desperately want the Result of happiness but avoid the root of self-image. Untapped energy, tapped motivation. No motivation to respond, no motivation to make things, no motivation to write. Desperation to write. Exhaustion to write.   Did beauty fade? Or has the eye of the beholder merely turned to face away? Or has the bee holder dropped the bee? Or has the beautiful dropped the ball? Or has whoever threw the ball kicked out the guests? Did y’all catch the ball? Did the beholder fumble the catch? The catch is: the beautiful is the beholder.

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