I See Myself

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I look in the mirror and I do not see myself. I put on makeup and I do not see myself. I look at old pictures and I do not see myself.
I look at devices I’ve made and I see myself. I lose myself in code and I am myself. I search my files and I find myself.
My neural pathways mirror the shape of the runtime environment. My intentions externalized as silicon.
Breathing code into keyboard, thoughts and plans imprint and crystalize, slowly, clumsily, with high-latency and many revisions.
The only enemy I see: my time.
Don't be discouraged by time moving slower sometimes. Those seasons are important to regenerate and prepare for when time moves fast.

Save your work. Ctrl-S Never let the past go. Ctrl-O Enter Hold on to everything because you are nothing. :w Never delete your art. Ctrl-A Ctrl-C Never complete your art. Ctrl-Shift-S I MUST BE SEEN. Ctrl-V Enter I do not see myself. Ctrl-Shift-R Do they see me?
Afraid to nuke & pave. Ctrl-A Del Ctrl-Z Afraid to sort through. Ctrl-F Esc Always adding something. Ctrl-N Never delete anything.
Identity out of body, stuck in body of work. My worth externalized as data.
Hesitant to use what is already paid for. My present is crushed by the mountain of my past. Micromanaging the ephemeral river, to no end.
The only enemy I see: my TODO list. TODO: improve this section
Instead of waiting for a reason to do things, get in the habit of doing things for no reason.

Can’t talk real with those who know me too well. Can’t let loose with those who resist who I am. Can’t think clearly and happily with myself.
Don’t trust myself to set boundaries, so I isolate. And they wonder why I give the cold shoulder. My whole body is ice, so fragile.
Contorting my timelines to suit the whims of other people, simulated in my head. My compass externalized as user input.
Tank the damage and wait for an ever-changing ideal future, always swapping out the components of Theseus’ Dream Boat.
The only enemy I see: my unresolved…
You don't have as many mental models as there are types of people.

A Do I risk taking up space, How will I justify it? Do I chance putting myself out there to people, Who might get annoyed and make me feel guilty, confirming my fears? Do I dare live a life, Which people will judge?
B Do I risk taking up space, when I can’t even justify taking up people’s time? Do I chance putting myself out there, and receive criticism I will instantly remember forever? Do I dare live a life people will have something to say about, or do I relegate to a life where I have nothing to say?
What I want gets dwarfed by what I want to avoid. My emotions externalized as watchdog daemons.
In the meantime I operate in my own shadows, finding pockets of self-expression where they will be seen but not seen, finding moments of freedom and suffocating them with overzealous intensity and burning out.
The only enemy I see: myself.
Try feeling your emotions within yourself instead of in other people.

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